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I have a confession to make. I watched the entire Goop series on Netflix, and I liked it. I don’t care who laughs at me. It was interesting.
Then there’s the Goop site. Hey, I’m all down with natural skincare, alternative medicine and a lot of other unconventional stuff. And if I had extra cash to throw around, I might even pony up for a few things.
But some of the outlandish paraphernalia on this website even has me rolling my eyes.
So let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous stuff you can buy on Goop if you’re privileged, gullible and can’t find better ways to invest your money.
Because if you’re into wellness, laughter is definitely the best medicine.
18K Gold Fragrance Flask
This $895 flask comes with a goop scent and has your initials engraved on it. Are we supposed to drink the stuff?
Someone should remind the inventor of the correct way to put on your perfume, which is spraying some in the air and walking through it. A feat that would be particularly difficult with a flask.
Sorry, but this idea stinks.
The OTTO Automatic Joint Roller
This odd little contraption is supposed to roll the perfect cone-shaped joint for maximum efficiency automatically. So that’s what you’re going for when you’re smoking pot? Efficiency? Maybe if you’re smoking it for OCD.
Although if you’re already super stoned, it will make rolling the second dooby a lot easier. Party on, lazy-ass mo-fos.
Vesper Vibrating Necklace
Yes, it is what you think, a bullet-shaped necklace that doubles as a vibrator.
Let me first just say, there’s nothing wrong with a little self pleasure. But unless you’re the type of person that needs to duck into a club bathroom to get off ALONE, I can’t wrap my head or anything else around this idea.
Also, wearing your vibrator out in public just doesn’t seem sanitary.
Yes, these are gold-plated handcuffs for the bedroom (or wherever). But I say they’re fifty shades of ridiculous.
Hey, if you’re into the whole restraint thing, go for it. But $425 for a pair of gold plated handcuffs? Maybe you should exercise some financial restraint.
Although if you’re a kinky rich person, you could layer the master keys and chains from your handcuffs with your Vesper Vibrating necklace. If you’re going over the top, you may as well go all the way.
Luminous Melting Cleanser
Okay, I know it won an Allure Best of Beauty Award. But Luminous Melting Cleanser is a makeup remover. $90 worth of makeup remover.
And what’s it made out of? Mostly olive and coconut oil. I have that in my kitchen cabinet right now. Oh, to have that much expendable cash.
Nurture Watering Can
This $180 watering can is made out of brushed brass. I suspect that people who can afford to buy it can also afford a gardener to go with it. Yes, this is for the really privileged plants.
This $376 whiskey decanter has actual hand-cut diamonds on it. Hmm, now that I think of it, that sounds like kind of a bargain—cheers to you, people out to spend their children’s inheritance.
This Smells Like My Vagina Candle
If you haven’t heard about this internet sensation, you have now. This candle is made with scents of geranium, bergamot and cedar. Which I presume smells nothing like a vagina. Hmmm, well maybe after one of those Korean spa vagina steaming treatments.
Anyway, when it comes to candle spin, it’s all in the name, baby.
And at $75 it’s cheap by Goop standards. Here’s hoping it lights your sex life on fire.
Atelier Stone I
This is a $65 piece of soap that has a stone inside of it. The polished rock inside looks like those stones you pick up at a gem store for a couple of bucks. The description gives no reason why this would be beneficial to my skin.
But they do assure me that each piece of soap is handmade in Brooklyn. In Brooklyn? Really? Like that’s supposed to sell me? I think they should have chosen a place with a little more romance to make their new-agey soap.
Bali, India, even Colorado would be better! But no way am I buying $65 soap from New York.
DRX Spectralite Faceware Pro
There IS actually some legitimate science behind this high-tech face mask. It emits red and blue LED light that can minimize breakouts and calm inflammation. Nothing ridiculous about that.
But you have to admit it’s pretty weird. It kind of looks like a techie version of the mask from Scream. But I guess that’s not so bad. Since it costs $435, I guess it should be able to double as a Halloween costume.
Amethyst Crystal-Infused Water Bottle
I have to admit that I am a believer in the power of crystals, if they’re wielded by the right person in the right circumstances. But even I have to raise an eyebrow at the thought that a lump of amethyst in my water bottle is going to improve my intuition.
When it comes to my bodily health, I’m old school—a healthy diet and exercise. No secrets. No fads. It’s always worked for me.
I look at my spiritual health the same way. Meditation, mindfulness and discipline seem like the best way to expand awareness. But that’s just me.
All that aside, the really girly part of me loves this $84 water bottle just because it’s pretty. And it’s also made of glass so it’s better for the environment.
So as ridiculous as it may be, I would probably shell out for this new-agey way to drink my water. Yes, I am laughing at myself right now.
Gold Sculpting Bar
I get it. Massage is good for your face. It stimulates blood flow. May even build collagen. But do I really need a 24-karat vibrating device to do what I could with my own fingers?
I think this may be the new gold standard in ridiculous.
Rose Quartz Crystal Straw
I am all for saving the environment. And I do have a stainless steel straw that I carry around with me. I bought it for a couple of bucks.
This beauty sells for $68 because it has a piece of rose quartz stuck on it. It also says in the description, “best used with water.” Does that mean I can’t use it for drinking my cold-pressed juice? That seems like a ripoff.
Rose Quartz Incense Burner
And while we’re on the subject of rose quartz...I have to ask myself if it will be mined out soon as they seem to be using it for everything.
In this case, an incense burner. A $295 incense burner. It is billed as a deeply thoughtful gift for moms and moms-to-be. I say use the money to help them pay for some babysitting. Now THAT will make them feel calmer.
This $60 dish kit includes a bristle brush, a steel wool sponge and a linen cloth. Excuse me, but could I not get all of that at Target and still have money to eat out?
I guess because it’s made in France it’s supposed to be worth it. I say put the money in your piggy bank and save up for a trip to Paris. That will be far more romantic than washing your dishes at home with an overpriced kit.
Also, I guarantee you that the French are laughing their asses off at the people who buy it. Silly Americans!! Hahahahaha!
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