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10 Of The Most Ridiculous Things You Can Buy On Goop [Getting Goopy With It]

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I have a confession to make. I watched the entire Goop series on Netflix, and I liked it. I don’t care who laughs at me. It was interesting.

Then there’s the Goop site. Hey, I’m all down with natural skincare, alternative medicine and a lot of other unconventional stuff. And if I had extra cash to throw around, I might even pony up for a few things.

But some of the outlandish paraphernalia on this website even has me rolling my eyes.

So let’s take a look at some of the most ridiculous stuff you can buy on Goop if you’re privileged, gullible and can’t find better ways to invest your money.

Because if you’re into wellness, laughter is definitely the best medicine.

18K Gold Fragrance Flask

18K Gold Frangrance Flask

This $895 flask comes with a goop scent and has your initials engraved on it.  Are we supposed to drink the stuff?

Someone should remind the inventor of the correct way to put on your perfume, which is spraying some in the air and walking through it. A feat that would be particularly difficult with a flask.

Sorry, but this idea stinks.

Vesper Vibrating Necklace

Vesper Vibrating Necklace

Yes, it is what you think, a bullet-shaped necklace that doubles as a vibrator.

Let me first just say, there’s nothing wrong with a little self pleasure. But unless you’re the type of person that needs to duck into a club bathroom to get off ALONE, I can’t wrap my head or anything else around this idea.

Also, wearing your vibrator out in public just doesn’t seem sanitary.

Beauté Majestique Melting Cleanser

Beauté Majestique

Okay, I know it is all natural and luxurious. But Beauté Majestique is a makeup remover. $116 worth of makeup remover.

And what’s it made out of? Mostly essential oils. Oh, to have that much expendable cash.

Floribunda Rose Plant

Floribunda Rose Plant

This $565 Floribunda rose plant is made out of paper. I suspect that people who can afford to buy it can also afford a gardener to go with it. Yes, this is for the really privileged plants.

Diamond Decanter

Diamond Decanter

This $408 whiskey decanter has actual hand-cut diamonds on it. Hmm, now that I think of it, that sounds like kind of a  bargain—cheers to you, people out to spend their children’s inheritance.

This Smells Like My Vagina Candle

Heretic This Smells Like My Vagina candle

If you haven’t heard about this internet sensation, you have now. This candle is made with scents of geranium, bergamot and cedar. Which I presume smells nothing like a vagina. Hmmm, well maybe after one of those Korean spa vagina steaming treatments.

Anyway, when it comes to candle spin, it’s all in the name, baby.

And at $75 it’s cheap by Goop standards. Here’s hoping it lights your sex life on fire.

DRX Spectralite Faceware Pro

DRX Spectralite Faceware Pro

There IS actually some legitimate science behind this high-tech face mask. It emits red and blue LED light that can minimize breakouts and calm inflammation. Nothing ridiculous about that.

But you have to admit it’s pretty weird. It kind of looks like a techie version of the mask from Scream. But I guess that’s not so bad. Since it costs $435, I guess it should be able to double as a Halloween costume.

Gold Sculpting Bar

Gold Sculpting Bar

I get it. Massage is good for your face. It stimulates blood flow. May even build collagen. But do I really need a 24-karat vibrating device to do what I could with my own fingers?

I think this may be the new gold standard in ridiculous.

Cocktail Straws

Cocktail straws in a wooden holder

I am all for saving the environment. And I do have a stainless steel straw that I carry around with me. I bought it for a couple of bucks.

This beauty sells for $120 because it comes in this modern gold and wood container. Talk about a high class drink.

Rose Quartz Incense Burner

Rose Quartz Incense Burner

And while we’re on the subject of rose quartz…I have to ask myself if it will be mined out soon as they seem to be using it for everything.

In this case, an incense burner. A $295 incense burner. It is billed as a deeply thoughtful gift for moms and moms-to-be. I say use the money to help them pay for some babysitting. Now THAT will make them feel calmer.

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Sherry De Alba

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