The Best Halloween Musicals That Haven’t Been Written…Yet!

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With Halloween fast approaching, I began to think over my scary movie list. There are classics like The Shining, dark horror comedies like Get Out, and typical teen slasher films like I Know What You Did Last Summer.

One thing missing from the list is – musicals. Besides The Rocky Horror Picture Show and Sweeney Todd, it’s hard to name many creepy tune-fests to watch on Halloween. That’s why I’m proposing that Hollywood put a twist on some already successful musicals to turn them into horror films.

Here’s my pitch list:

Von Trapped! (Based on The Sound of Music)

Ever wonder where all those governesses that the Von Trapp children had really went? Upon meeting the eerily dead-eyed brood, their new governess Maria begins to suspect they’re a lot more than incorrigible. Her fears are confirmed when she finds a warning note from a prior governess written in her own blood.

Yikes!

Now the question is, will she be able to discipline this band of homicidal maniacs? Or will she die trying?

Musical numbers will include:

• These Are A Few of My Favorite Screams (or: Blood Drops on Clothing and Whiskerless Kittens)
• I Am Sixteen Going on a Killing Spree
• The Hills Are Alive with the Sound of Murder
• Doh, Some Sheers, Some Real Big Sheers 
• I Must Have Done Something Bad
• So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen you’re dead

As a teaser to this chilling musical, I am releasing the full lyrics to My Favorite Screams. This song is rated R for graphic images and offensive near-rhymes.

Blood drops on clothing

And whisker-less kittens

Bright shiny axes and ransom notes written 

Warm squirmy victims all tied up with string

These are a few of my favorite screams
‍

When the urge strikes

When the rage calls 

When I’m feeling mad

I simply remember my favorite screams

And then I don’t feel so sad
‍

Cream-colored nooses and crisp human strudel

Handguns and duct tape

And reasons to use them 

Wild bats that fly with the moon on their wings

These are a few of my favorite screams

(Repeat Chorus)
‍

Men in black coffins and urns filled with ashes

Bloodstains that stay on my nose and eyelashes

Any sharp object that helps me to sting

These are a few of my favorite screams
‍

When the urge strikes

When the rage calls

When I’m feeling mad

I simply remember my favorite screams

And then I don’t feel so sad

I don’t have the ending worked out all the way. But I think it may involve the Von Trapp children being driven up into the hills where they are forced to eat each other.

Then Maria and the Baroness get married in a tribute to diversity. Which finally gives the Captain the excuse he needed to hook up with Max.

The End.

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Greased (Based on Grease)

When summer lovers Sandy and Danny meet up unexpectedly at Rydell High, Danny gaslights Sandy and tries to pretend their romance never happened. The blow is so hard for the innocent Sandy that she suffers a psychotic break.

Unbeknownst to even Sandy herself, an alternate personality takes over her body and starts killing off her fellow students one by one. Who, if anyone, will survive this demonic debutante?

Musical numbers will include:

• Summer Frights
• Look At Me I’m Sandra Fiend
• Hopelessly Demented By You
• Greased Chainsaw

And, of course, the chilling There Are Worse Things I Could Do To You, when Sandy tortures Rizzo.

The climax to this musical will be the rousing number You’re the One That I Want – To Kill, which occurs in the funhouse.

In an attempt to save his own life, Danny asks the evil version of Sandy to go steady with him, which promptly brings her back to her goody-good self. She then drops her axe and they fly off in his car while the other students (now zombies) sing, We’ll Always Be Together in Hell.

Of course, in Greased 2, Danny breaks up with Sandy, and the mayhem starts all over again. Sounds like a franchise to me!

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La La Land of the Living Dead (Based on La La Land)

As if it weren’t hard enough being a struggling artist, random gangs of zombie producers are now attacking them and sucking their souls out. (Which doesn’t seem so far from reality when you write it down.)

Anyway, struggling actress Mia and aspiring jazz musician Sebastian meet on the freeway during a zombie attack. But don’t really have time to get to know one another with all the maiming and killing. Luckily,  they have another chance encounter after a party and fall madly in love.

So will they be able to nurture their romance and their careers while at the same time fending off the living dead?

Musical numbers will include:

• Just Another Day on the Run 
• Someone in the Crowd Wants to Eat My Brains
• A Lovely Night (to whack zombies)
• City of Stars Who Were Eaten
• Quick, Someone Start a Fire!
• The Fools Who Scream

Wondering where these star crossed lovers end up? Well, when Sebastian realizes his career is stalled, he tosses in his fedora and joins a zombie ‘80s cover band. (If you can’t eat them, join ‘em). He also loses half of his face.

A heartbroken Mia then writes a one-woman show, which gets her an audition with some non-zombie producers and launches her career. Years in the future (when Hollywood has made peace with the living dead), a now-famous Mia sneaks into a zombie jazz club to watch her former lover play “their” song (City of Stars Who Were Eaten).

Although happily married, she can’t help but wonder what might have been if Sebastian hadn’t sold out to a bunch of soulless zombie producers.

Now that’s a realistic Hollywood ending.

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I Know What You Did to My Mother (Based on Mama Mia!)

Yes, most of the singing and dancing was so bad in the original musical that it kind of qualifies as a horror show, but I still think there’s potential here.

A young Sophie returns to her mother’s hotel on a Greek island to marry her squeeze Dominic. The only thing missing in her wedding plans? A father to walk her down the aisle.

Sophie then invites the three men that Donna had affairs with before she was born to figure out who her dad is…and kill him for abandoning her mother! Uh-oh!

Naturally, a few innocent bystanders that catch onto her plans have to die. Her mother’s friend Rosie eats it during the big tap number Gimme, Gimme, Gimme an Axe.  And Tanya dies during the sure to be a hit, Does Your Mother Know You’re a Psycho?

Musical numbers will include:

• Honey, Honey Why Did He Leave Us?
• Mama Mia, Gonna Kill My Dad!
• Dancing Fiend
• Super Trouper, Please Save Me!
• Gimme, Gimme, Gimme an Ax!
• SOS, My Daughter’s Trying to Kill Me!
• Does Your Mother know You’re a Psycho?
• Can You Hear the Guns, Fernando?
• Why Did She Have to Kill Me?
• I Had A Dream to Kill My Dad

When Sophie can’t figure out which of her mom’s lovers is her real dad, she decides to murder all three of them. She secretly shoots Harry and Bill and throws them off a cliff the night before the wedding.

And she plans to kill Sam during the wedding ceremony the next day. But just before the big event takes place, her mom reveals to Sophie that she was (gasp!) adopted!!! Oh no!

Sophie laments her horrific deeds in the moving number; I Had a Dream to Kill My Dad.

But then they decide to go ahead with the wedding anyway. After all, they’d already paid the caterer!

The incredibly catchy Dancing Fiend is then reprised and everyone lives psychologically scarred ever after.

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The Creepy End

Well, that’s my musical/horror movie mashup. I hope Hollywood can see the potential. I’ll be waiting for your calls, producers! In the meantime, I’m off to work on an original horror musical.

Teens that refuse to dress up while they trick-or-treat on Halloween keep showing up dead – and dressed in whimsical costumes!

I’m playing with the title, Trick-or-Treat, Now You’re Meat! Watch for it in theaters! And Happy Halloween, everyone!

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