Hipster Beards: The Emotional Support Animal for Men

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I don’t want to dive into the current issues, but let’s just say men have taken a few dings over the past couple of years. Add that to the normal strains of everyday life and you wind up with a bunch of emotionally stressed out dudes.

Not gifted with the talent of talking about their feelings, I believe they’ve turned to these furry little companions as a way to focus on something besides their problems.

Let’s break down the striking similarities between beards and comfort pets:

Constant Companions

Just like a comfort dog, guys can take the hipster beard anywhere. Restaurants, airplanes, parties, gallery openings, the beach. You can even sleep with the little fella. Wherever you go, the hipster beard is there to help you know you’re not alone.

Expressing Affection

Not the huggy type, but are longing for physical contact? You can pet the hipster beard like a lap dog. Men stroke it while they’re watching television, talking on the phone, driving their cars, working on their computers. It’s comforting, meditative and it never poops on your neighbors’ lawn.

Then There’s the Grooming

Like a Shih Tzu or a poodle, grooming and grooming tools are essential for maintaining your beard. Clippers, razors, combs, scissors, beard oil. My hipster beard dude/significant other prefers a boar bristle brush which he uses in the car. He’s also used up all my sulfate-free conditioner. What can I say? His beard is spoiled.

However, the ultra spoiled beards are taken out to be groomed in special places tailored just to them. The upside for the professional beard groomers? No anal glands to be squeezed.

Best In Show

Then there are the hipster beard contests. No, the guys do not trot around in a circle while showing off their beards. But just like a dog show, this contest is about genetics, grooming and a need to feel superior. Need I say more?

My significant other informed he was going to start growing his facial hair sometime during the third season of Vikings. I blamed the show at first. But the closer I observed him and his beard, I realized this wasn’t about a secret urge to rape or pillage.

This was about a relationship with a furry friend that he truly loves and gives him comfort. And that’s okay. He’s going to be okay. You’re all going to be okay, guys.

And P.S. Hipster beards are a hell of a lot manlier than a chihuahua in a tote bag.