Let’s All Celebrate Christmas-Ween (Featuring the New Smash Hit “Frosty the Psychotic Snowman”)

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It happens every year. I walk into Costco or some department store, and there next to a plastic jack-o-lantern and a Scream mask is a fully decorated Christmas tree and a manger scene. Most of the time, I get annoyed that I’m being pushed to think about decking the halls when I haven’t even carved my annual pumpkin.

But this year, I’m beginning to think that there may be something to combining these two holidays. In these crazy times, maybe it IS actually a good idea to celebrate everything all at once. And you have to admit that there are some pretty scary aspects to Christmas – the stress of gift buying, those tense family get-togethers and one of the most spine chilling things of all – fruitcake!

That’s why I’m suggesting that we combine these two festivals into one big free-for-all called Christmas-Ween. I can feel a few of you raising an eyebrow. But once you see all the fun you can have with activities like Secret Sadistic Santa and creepy carols like Frosty the Psychotic Snowman, I think you’ll be totally on fire to celebrate this mega holiday mashup.

With that in mind, here are a few suggestions on how to make your first annual Christmas-Ween a day that no one will be able to blot from their memory. No matter how hard they try.

Secret Sadistic Santa

You don’t know who they are, but someone out there is trying to slip you some Christmas candy canes and a cute gift while also scaring the living crap out of you.

One day they’re jumping out from behind your shower curtain with a Jason mask and a set of bath bombs, and the next day they’re leaving roadkill and some fuzzy slippers under your bed covers.

Sick? Maybe. But what scares you makes you stronger. After someone dressed like a maniacal clown chases you down a dark alley and pummels you with lavender soaps, you’ll be ready for anything. Including that holiday dinner with your dysfunctional family.

Also, when you pick a really annoying person out of the hat, it makes it so much easier when it’s your turn to be Santa. Yes, delivering that cute stuffed reindeer along with a little psychological trauma will make gift giving a lot more satisfying than receiving.

And that’s the whole point, right?

Frosty the Psychotic Snowman

Kid screaming and running from scary snowman — Giphy

Christmas caroling and trick-or-treating. Was there ever a better matchup? Kids will still be able to collect their Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and Snickers Bars, but first, they’ll have to sing a creepy carol.

To help you get the hang of it, here’s a song that’s sure to become an instant classic:

Frosty the Psychotic Snowman

Frosty the Snowman

Was a twisted, tortured globe

With a big lead pipe

And a button nose

And two eyes without a soul

Frosty the Snowman is a cautionary tale

He was made of snow but the children know

How he tried to kill one day

There must have been black magic in that old top hat they found

For once they placed it on his head

He began to hunt them down

Oh, Frosty the Snowman

Was as mad as he could be

And the children say he could maim and slay

Just the same as jail inmates

(Chorus)

Hackety, hack, hack

Look at Frosty’s blows

Hackety, hack, hack

Over the hills of snow

Oh, Frosty the Snowman

Knew the sun was hot that day

So he said better run or I’ll have some blood

Now before I melt away

Down to the village

With a wood axe in his hand

Running here and there all around the square

Saying “escape now if you can!”

He chased them through the streets of town

Right to the traffic cop

And he only paused a minute when the kids heard a big CHOP!

Oh, Frosty the snowman had to hurry on his way

But he waved good-bye saying

Cry, cry, cry

I’ll be back again someday

(Chorus)

Hackety, hack, hack

Look at Frosty’s blows

Hackety, hack, hack

Over the hills of snow!

See what I mean? Fun and creative!

Home Alone – Origins of a Serial Killer

What would Christmas-Ween be without a holiday movie to go along with it? I know what you’re thinking. What about The Nightmare Before Christmas, Gremlins or maybe even Edward Scissorhands? All good choices.

But I think a new holiday deserves a new holiday movie. I suggest one based on the beloved classic Home Alone. I mean, the title alone is inherently creepy.

And the plot? A kid gets left behind by his parents in a deserted neighborhood when two strangers try to break into the house. Come on! A little twist here and another one there, and you have a horror movie that was always waiting to happen.

My screenplay goes something like this:

Kevin is a kid who’s always getting bullied by his siblings. What he and his overly critical parents don’t realize is that after all the psychological battering he’s taken, something inside of Kevin is broken. Very broken.

So what if one of those booby traps that he sets for the robbers accidentally kills one of them? What should be a tragedy then turns into a revelatory moment for Kevin. He not only likes jumping on beds and eating ice creams. He also has a taste for violent vigilante justice.

Now the one remaining burglar is no longer the cat. He’s the mouse to this burgeoning serial killer’s sociopathic tendencies! The question is, will the robber survive, or will Kevin’s parents get home before their child has another black mark on his soul?

See what I mean? It’s like this movie writes itself. Not to mention the sequels featuring this pint-sized Dexter. But because it’s a warm-hearted holiday franchise, only the bad guys will die, of course.

I smell a holiday, box-office bonanza!

House of Horror, House of Light

Now we’ve come to perhaps the easiest part of this festival. The decorations! You’ll have everything you need to festoon your house from around mid-September. From Christmas lights to cauldrons, tinsel to plastic headstones, retailers will be happy to sell you everything you need in order to terrify and uplift yourself at the same time.

So feel free to whack off that plastic Santa’s head and replace it with a creepy pumpkin.

Put some zombies devouring giant candy canes on your lawn. Then top it all off with a skeleton driving a sleigh full of gifts pulled by werewolves.

It’s impossible to go too far. And if someone has a panic attack, don’t worry. Christmas-Ween is also the perfect time to ask for forgiveness. Think of it as fright meets the light.

Dinner Masquerade

All of these holiday festivities will culminate with a giant turkey dinner/costume party, of course. Yes, the bird may still taste dry. And you may still fight with your relatives. But when everyone is dressed up like sexy witches, superheroes and monsters, it will be hard to take anyone seriously.

And feel free to get creative with those gifts. Stuff those stockings with some spiders and razors. Put a rubber hand in that blender you’re gifting. Sprinkle that cozy scarf for your dad with some fake blood.

It’s Christmas-Ween, and the whole point is to cram all the best parts of Christmas and Halloween into one. If you’re still not convinced, just think of all the calories you’ll save by celebrating one holiday instead of two. Ho-ho-ho, you won’t be scared to look at your bathroom scale anymore.

Now slap on some vampire teeth and the scariest Christmas sweater you can find, and start slurping cranberry sauce like your Count Dracula. So what will you do on December 25th? Breathe a big sigh of relief as you sip a cocktail in the Caribbean.

Then again, you could celebrate Valentine’s Day and Easter at the end of December. Christmas-Ween is about to open you to a world of possibilities!

PS: For those of you who can’t wait to go Trick-O-Caroling, be sure to take a look at the Christmas-Ween Songbook!

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