The Top 147 Dad Jokes The Whole Family Will Love

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They’re so bad they’re good. Or sometimes they’re just so bad they make you cringe. Yes, we’re talking about dad jokes. Those notorious and often pun-laden attempts at humor with punchlines you can see coming from a mile away. Or with punchlines that don’t seem like punchlines at all.  

But you kind of have to give it up for these corny one-liners. What passes for comedy in your dad’s world may not be edgy, but it’s rarely offensive. (Except maybe to actual comedians.) And you have to admit a “good” dad joke can definitely make you laugh – albeit grudgingly. And if not, shaking your head keeps your neck limber. 

Do you have to be a dad to tell one? Nope. Just be prepared for anything ranging from grudging giggles to utter silence when you deliver the punchline. While a dad joke can make you temporarily wish you had a different father, you have to be made of stern stuff to put one of these babies out there without getting your ego crushed.

So as a tribute to all those cornball dads out there and to lighten your mood, we present you with our 147 favorite dad jokes. These jokes are rated G for goofy. Don’t say we didn’t warn you! 

Animal Jokes

It’s like your dad never met an animal joke he didn’t like. To all creatures great and small, we apologize in advance for these corny dad jokes.

1. What did the dad say when he caught his beagle eating a hot dog? It’s a dog eat dog world out there!

2. Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change his color? He had a reptile dysfunction. 

3. What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

4. Dad, can you put out the cat? I didn’t know it was on fire.

5. Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. 

6. I just watched a show about beavers. It was the best damn show I ever saw. 

7. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know. 

8. What do you call a baby monkey? A chimp off the old block.

9. What happens when a frog’s car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work, he has to get it toad. 

10. Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh!

11. What do you call it when apes form a startup company? Monkey business. 

12. What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account? Prime mates.

13. What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little hoarse.

14. I asked my dog, “What’s two minus two?” He said nothing. 

15. What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison!

16. What do you call a pig that loses its voice? Disgruntled. 

17. What do you call a donkey with three legs? A wonkey. 

18. What do you call a magic golden retriever? A Labracadabrador. 

Food Jokes

Food jokes are also what you call the bread and butter of dad comedy. Though some kind of make you nauseous.

19. A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food here.” 

20. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese. 

21. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

22. What do you call it when a strawberry gets run over while crossing the street? Traffic jam.

23. What does garlic do when it gets hot? It takes its cloves off.

24. I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy. 

25. Why did the coffee call the police? It was mugged. 

26. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He was feeling crummy. 

27. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso. 

28. What do you call a cow during an earthquake? A milkshake.

29. How do you fix a broken pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch!

30. What vegetable is nice to everyone? The sweet potato.

31. What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minnesota.

32. Why don’t phones ever get hungry? They have a lot of apps to choose from. 

33. What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? “Where’s Pop Corn?”

34. What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? “Don’t wok away from me.”

Yellow mug with googly eyes and a fake mustache  with the word "DAD" above it

Musical Jokes

Your dad’s taste in music is questionable. His taste in musical jokes, even more so!

35. What did the drummer call his twin daughter? Anna One, Anna Two!

36. What kind of music do chiropractors like? Hip pop. 

37. People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love that song Roxanne. 

38. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!

39. I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands. 

40. Why was the vampire afraid of Taylor Swift? She had bad blood. 

41. What instrument do you find in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste. 

42. Why was the printer called Bob Marley? Because it was always jammin’.

43. I wrote a song about a tortilla. But it’s really more of a wrap. 

44. Why does Snoop Dog always carry an umbrella? Fo’ Drizzle. 

45. What’s it called when a musician flips someone off? A songbird. 

46. What did the plumber say to the singer? “Nice pipes!”

47. Why did the farmer try to become a musician? Because he had a ton of sick beets. 

Related: The 10 Best Father’s Day Gifts Dad Will Love [Buyer’s Guide]

Stand Up Dad Jokes

If your dad was a standup comedian, this is what his material would be composed of. We can just hear somebody shouting, “Turn the mike off!”

48. Did you know the story about the chicken that crossed the border? Me neither, I don’t have a passport. 

49. To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…You can hide, but you can’t run. 

50. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

51. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have two beers and a mop.”

52. If you see a crime at an Apple store, are you an iWitness?

53. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up. 

54. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home. 

55. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

56. If two vegans get in a fight, is it still called a beef?

57. I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing. 

58. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it. 

59. I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work. 

60. A guy comes home after LASIK surgery and says to his wife, “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!”

61. I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator. 

62. Last year I wrote a book on penguins. Looking back, I should have used paper.

63. I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now. 

64. A shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them. 

65. “Wanna box for your leftovers,” said the waiter. I said, “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

66. Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the no-bell prize. 

67. I got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust. 

68. I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys really hated it. 

69. I don’t play soccer because I like it. I’m just doing it for kicks. 

70. I used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey. But then I turned myself around.

71. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word. 

72. I invented a new word today. Plagiarism. 

73. Learning to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along. 

74. My uncle named his dog Rolex and Timex. They’re his watchdogs. 

75. I was wondering why the frisbee was looking bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. 

76. My mother always told me I could be anyone I wanted to be when I grew up. Turns out identity theft is a crime. 

77. I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend. She was obsessed with an X. 

78. If prisoners could take their own mug shots, they’d be called cell-fies. 

79. Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them. 

80. When I die, I want to be cremated. It’s my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body. 

Deep Thoughts and Advice

Dad’s are often full of sage advice and philosophical quotes. And this is how they serve it up dad joke style. 

81. Don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something. 

82. I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. 

83. It takes guts to be an organ donor.

84. I hate velcro. It’s a ripoff. 

85. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything!

86. If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes. 

87. The rotation of the earth really makes my day. 

88. Sundays are a little sad. But the day before is a sadder day. 

89. I don’t trust those trees. They seem kind of shady. 

Dad and daughter holding their fingers above their mouths with a fake mustache tattoo on it

How To Jokes

Dads often like to tell you how to do things. Listen, and you might learn something you never wanted to. 

90. How does a lawyer say good-bye? I’ll be suing ya!

91. How did Darth Vader know what to get Luke for Christmas? He felt his presents. 

92. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 

93. How do you make a kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

94. How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.

95. How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor. 

96. How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams. 

97. How did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut. 

What and Why Jokes

But at the heart of all dad jokes is the what and why variety. Which often makes you question why your Father won’t stop trying to tell jokes. 

98. Why did the invisible man turn down a job? He couldn’t see himself doing it. 

99. What do you call someone who never farts in public? A private tutor.

100. What do you call a zombie who cooks stir fries? Dead man wok-ing. 

101. What’s the pope’s favorite scent? Pope-pourri.

102. What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

103. What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.

104. Why didn’t Cinderella make the football team? She ran away from the ball. 

105. Why are celebrities so cool? They have a lot of fans.

106. What’s a tornado’s favorite game? Twister!

107. What do you call a funny mountain? Hill-arious!

108. What did the nose tell the finger? Stop picking on me!

109. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!

110. What’s the best way to talk to a giant? Use big words.

111. What’s a ninja’s favorite shoes? Sneakers!

112. What do you call Batman when he skips church? Christain Bale. 

113. What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod!

114. What’s Forrest Gump’s àssword? 1Forrest1.

115. What do you call a hippie’s wife? Mississippi.

116. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

117. What sits on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!

118. Why do nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.

119. Why is the color green still single? It’s so jaded. 

120. What are the best kind of shoes for lazy people? Loafers. 

121. Why is cold water so insecure? Because nobody ever calls it hot. 

122. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field. 

123. What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? “Cool ranch!”

124. What do lipstick and blush say after they fight? “Let’s make up!”

125. Why was the ghost so tired? He worked the graveyard shift.

126. What’s a detective’s favorite protein? Mystery meat. 

127. Why couldn’t the couple get married in the library? It was all booked up.

128. Why is sand so optimistic? It has a can-dune attitude!

129. What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved. 

130. What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”

131. Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe. 

132. What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus. 

133. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing – they fast!

134. What do you call a poor Santa? St. Nickel-less. 

135. What did one hat say to the other? “Stay here. I’m going on a head.”

136. Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain? It didn’t have the guts. 

137. What’s it called when a snowman throws a tantrum? A meltdown.

138. Why did the math book look so sad? It had a lot of problems. 

139. What do you call it when a kid doesn’t want to take a nap? Resisting a rest. 

140. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? The pee is silent. 

141. What did one eye say to the other? “Between you and me, something smells.”

142. What do you call a dinosaur who crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus Wreck. 

143. What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite. 

144. What do they call you when you go to the bathroom in France? European. 

Jokes About Dad Jokes

Yes, dad jokes are now so famous that there are jokes about dad jokes. 

145. Why do dads always tell bad jokes? They want to help you become a groan up. 

146. When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it’s apparent.

147. What do you call someone who makes dad jokes but isn’t a dad? A faux pa!

You’ve Been a Great Crowd…

Well, we hope you got a chuckle or two out of our best dad jokes. They may not be cutting edge comedy, but they can still make your day. Or clear a room of people that you don’t really like. So go ahead and tell one. We dare you!

You might also be interested in: 47 Best Father’s Day Gifts [2021 Edition]

We don’t mind sharing the spotlight. We got some of our jokes from Scary Mommy, Parade and Big Happy House.

Sherry De Alba

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