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Natalie Maximets from OnlineDivorce is a certified life transformation coach with expertise in mindfulness and sustainability. She’s a published author and helps people go through fundamental life challenges, such as divorce, and build an entirely new life by reframing their personal narrative.
“We need to talk seriously” – this phrase is usually not followed by anything good. You never know what to expect.
One morning, your significant other announces that they want to file for divorce. It can be said in the heat of an argument or a calm, casual tone. Either way, it’s a fact. Your wife applies for divorce whether you agree with it or not.
But what if you don’t want to lose your beloved? What if you still love them and are willing to change for them?
Use the 17 tips below and make peace with your wife! The main thing is to realize your mistakes in time.
1. Find Out How You Hurt Your Wife
The desire to divorce doesn’t just come out of nowhere. To understand it, you should directly ask your partner what you did that made their life miserable.
Approach this issue responsibly. You can even make a list so that you don’t miss anything. Don’t be afraid to ask clarifying questions. Just do not turn the conversation into interrogation, make excuses, or get angry. Otherwise, your wife may find you indifferent and heartless.
Ask your spouse for some specific examples so you can better understand where you went wrong. Then, analyze your conversation again later. You need to know how your wife perceives you and your actions.
In conversation, avoid judging them and use phrases like “You are unreasonable, irrational, you do not see the whole picture.” It is crucial to make clear to your partner that you take the situation seriously and intend to fix it. No, you can’t fix a marriage all at once, but you can take small steps towards each other.
2. Learn to Manage Anger
Anger destroys everything it “touches.” So to preserve your marriage and not hurt your spouse more, you need to learn how to manage your negative emotions.
It would help if you learned to stay calm no matter what your wife does or says. Indeed, in the heat of anger, you can say something that you will regret later, and in fact, you do not believe in it. And this is a sure way to bring divorce closer.
If you find it difficult to manage your emotions, you should get professional help. You can also take a course on anger management.
3. Give Your Wife Some Space
It’s not a challenging period only for you now. Your spouse has had a difficult time deciding to divorce. Most likely, they have been thinking about it for several months.
Give your lover more time to be alone or time for a hobby. It will allow them to cool down and reach the desire for reconciliation. Excessive pressure can be seen as an attempt at complete control.
When you understand what exactly offended your spouse, it is time to say the sometimes difficult but necessary phrase – “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Be calm, and show your sincere remorse for hurting them. Your words should come from the bottom of your heart.
You should not start apologizing without finding out the reason. It will show that your wife’s feelings are not important to you, and you simply do not want to lose the family comfort they give. If you are genuinely sorry for what you did, your spouse will feel it. It is a good start for restoring relationships and trust in each other.
5. Become the One that Your Beloved Has Fallen in Love with
Look in the mirror. Whom do you see? Is the same man looking at you who once courted your wife? If not, then it’s time to bring him back.
Women and men love with their eyes. Taking care of yourself again is a good strategy to remind your lover why they fell in love with you. Put on nice clothes, get a stylish haircut, use cologne.
You may also think about long-forgotten hobbies or going to the gym. Looking your best can bring your spouse back to the beginning of the relationship when everything was good.
6. Show Your Wife Your Love
Some men think that courtship is needed while you are dating, and marriage does not require it. After all, they already tied the knot. But it’s not so – the courtship never ends.
Remember how you courted your wife, what kind of dates you arranged. If you already have children in your marriage and there is no opportunity to do everything you have done before, you can develop something new, less grandiose. When circumstances change, you need to look for new ways to enjoy your time together.
7. Treat Your Spouse With Respect
Trust and respect are the keys to a healthy relationship. You should respect every decision your spouse makes, even if you disagree. Do not blame your spouse for the marriage falling apart or you becoming the way you have.
8. Tell Your Spouse That You are Grateful for Having Them in Your Life
You have already learned how to say “I’m sorry,” it’s time to say “thank you.” It would be best to show gratitude more often when your spouse is shopping, cooking dinner, or doing homework with the children. Such a manifestation of feelings shows that you value everything that your beloved does for the family. You can also help your spouse with household chores to share the responsibilities and work equally. Appreciate each other and your relationship.
9. Ask for Help
Take self-improvement and self-help courses and read books about marriage and divorce. You can also seek help from a professional marriage counselor or coach. In addition, going to a family psychologist with your wife can help you identify and solve problems that have arisen in your relationship. Sometimes a look from the outside helps to assess the situation objectively.
10. Don’t Gossip
Problems in marriage are a matter of only one family. Usually, people try not to tell strangers or relatives about their family troubles.
If you start discussing your marital problems with mutual friends or relatives, asking them to persuade your spouse to give up the idea of divorce and return to you, this can only further alienate your partner. Such manipulation and pressure will only show your selfish intentions and not a desire to consider their feelings.
11. Put Your Marriage First
When problems arise in your family, do not postpone their solutions because, over time, it can turn into a snowball and destroy the marriage. If you want to save your matrimony, show your wife that family is more important to you than work and friends. It would help if you spent more free time together. Do not handle work moments during dinner or in the middle of a conversation.
12. Overcome Your Depression
It would be best if you accepted the fact of a breakup. It is accompanied by five stages: denial, anger, depression, bargaining and acceptance. If you are now experiencing depression, you have coped with the first two stages, and you need to move on. If you can not do this on your own, do not be afraid to turn to a psychotherapist for help.
Accepting that your wife wants a divorce will help you think clearly and develop a step-by-step plan to save your marriage.
13. Don’t Try to Buy Your Wife’s Feelings
Often, men give gifts to their wives when they are guilty. It can help to smooth out petty faults, but not divorce reasons.
Don’t buy expensive gifts or flowers to reconcile and apologize, especially if you have not given your wife gifts like that before. It will make your wife think that you are trying to buy their love.
14. Realize that Marriage is a Voluntary Decision
Getting married and getting divorced is a choice which a person makes voluntarily. You should accept that if your spouse is no longer willing to stay with you for many different reasons, you can not force them to keep the marriage.
Blackmail using children or manipulating “to keep the marriage for the sake of children or image” will not work. Even if your wife agrees not to get divorced because of this, your relationship will worsen. And the moment will come when you think about divorce.
15. Spying on Your Spouse is a Bad Idea
If you spy on your wife – it can only mean one thing – you do not trust them. And what kind of marriage is possible without mutual trust. If you don’t want to push your wife to speed up the divorce, don’t check your sweetheart’s phone or email. Don’t ask them who they saw or talked to on the phone every time.
16. Don’t Be a Sad Puppy
When you follow your spouse all day with a sad face, you may feel like a miserable puppy. It seems your whole world has collapsed, and everyone has abandoned you.
Resist the urge to make your spouse pity you and stay with you because of it. It doesn’t work that way. The primary problem isn’t going anywhere. So instead, pull yourself together and don’t let your emotions control you.
17. Be Ready to Let Your Wife Go
Along with the desire to save the marriage, show your spouse that you respect their decision and are ready to move on if you have to divorce. As the saying goes, you can’t glue a broken vase. So for the sake of the years, you have lived together, let your beloved be happy. Even if not with you anymore. It is a true expression of love and respect.
Your marriage is like a garden – it needs love, care, and admiration. So take care of your spouse and often say how much you love them. Everyday little things like this will strengthen your union.
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