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Welcome To The Cartoon Showdown

They’re evil. Twisted. Maniacal. Malevolent. And highly entertaining. They’re the bad guys we love to hate.

Yes, these evil geniuses love to torture princesses and keep the common man down. Usually in a dungeon. But have you ever wondered what would happen if they turned their destructive powers on one another?

We’ve gathered these dastardly villains here today to go mano a mano and see who comes out on top. Let’s get to the first match.

Obsessed With Beauty: The Evil Queen From Snow White vs. Mother Gothel From Tangled

There is nothing these women wouldn’t do to be the fairest one of all.  Apparently, medieval cartoon land was also filled with messages that told women they had to be perfect because these ladies have a murderous obsession with beauty.

Mother Gothel kidnaps the innocent Rapunzel and imprisons her in a tower deep in the middle of nowhere, all so she can have a wrinkle-free complexion. But her biggest power of all is manipulation. 

With her faux motherly concern and irresistible charm, she convinces Rapunzel it’s all for her own good. Of course, when her evil plot begins to unravel, the claws come out. She then tries to murder both Rapunzel and Flynn! Cover officially is blown.

On the other side of the kingdom, there’s the Evil Queen from Snow White. As soon as her BFF, the magic mirror tells her she’s no longer the fairest one of all, she gets right down to business and asks for Snow’s heart in a box. Yikes. This lady doesn’t mess around.

When that doesn’t work, she tries the poison apple trick. Not organic, obviously.

So which vain villain is the victor of this match? As much as I admire Mother Gothel’s acting ability, I’m going to have to go with the Evil Queen from Snow White. Asking for a kid’s heart in a box shows the kind of ruthlessness you just can’t beat.

Too bad these girls didn’t live in modern times, though. Together they could have channeled their vanity into creating a line of beauty products. Like the Kardashians. Oh well. 

Brothers From Another Mother: Captain Hook From Peter Pan vs. Governor Ratcliffe From Pocahontas

With their black hair, hook noses and flamboyant sense of style, I suspect these two bad guys were evil twins separated at birth. Was crime in their genes, or was it social conditioning? Nobody but their animators know.

Let’s take a closer look at this match.

Captain Hook is a one-armed pirate which does give him a fair amount of street cred. He’s also out to murder children, the sweet, innocent little children.

Okay, not Peter Pan, who cut off his arm and fed it to a crocodile. But do the (conveniently named) Darling children deserve to walk the plank because of that old grudge? This guy is obsessed with revenge!

In the other corner, we have Governor Ratcliffe. He’s out to pillage the land of Pocahontas all because of his unquenchable thirst for gold. He’s also racist, violent and entitled. In other words, an imperialist pig with no respect for nature.

Who’s the winner of this match? A racist guy with pigtails or murderous poofy-haired pirate? They both have silly hair. But with his political clout and environmentally unfriendly attitude, I’d say Governor Ratcliffe easily runs away with the match.

Sorry, Captain Hook. If you can’t beat an eternal boy, then how are you going to take on big government? 

Surf and Turf: Ursula from The Little Mermaid vs. Lady Tremaine From Cinderella

Lady Tremaine is a social-climbing witch (figurative not literal) determined to marry one of her daughters off to Prince Charming. Like the original Prince Charming.

But to do that, she has to keep a good girl down. Cinderella, I mean. Lady Tremaine never physically puts chains on our gal Cindy. She chips away at her self-esteem and assigns her to a life of grueling physical tasks until she’s almost convinced she’s worthless.

Not nice.

Then there’s Ursula. Say what you like about her, but this lady is loaded with talent and personality, which she uses to steal people’s most unique qualities so she can put them in her garden of broken souls. Yeah, big downside.

Further crimes: She steals the little mermaid’s voice and uses her own brother’s children to make him suffer.

Also not nice.

So who’s the not nicest of them all? It’s a close one.

Girl on girl cruelty is never acceptable, and both these ladies are guilty. In the end, I’ll have to go with Ursula. Sheerly for entertainment value. But Props to Lady Tremaine. That evil step monster never even gets punished for her crimes in the end! How is that possible in a fairy tale? Only a real villain could pull that off! 

Toxic Bachelors: Gaston From Beauty and the Beast vs. Hans From Frozen

They’re both misogynists parading as gentlemen. All charm and manners when they’re getting what they want. But when they’re not? Watch out, ladies!

Hans uses his good looks and smooth-talking ways to sweep the unsuspecting Princess Anna right off her feet. Soon he’s installed in her castle with the keys to the kingdom while she’s out looking for her sister. Talk about giving your power away!

It’s only late in the game when Anna discovers Hans isn’t who he pretended to be. He’s power-hungry, ruthless and even mocks her for believing that he was really in love with her. 

Thank goodness social media didn’t exist in the kingdom! 

And now for toxic bachelor number two, Gaston. He’s brutish, vain and entitled. Also super entertaining and ripped. But there’s no getting around it; he has a dark side. 

When Belle denies him her affections and falls for the beast; instead, he turns the town into an angry mob and tries to kill the furry love of her life. Hello dude, no means no!

So who’s the douchiest of these entitled jerks? Ooph, I’m going to have to call this one a draw. Times up Gaston and Hans! Whatever you do, don’t give one of these bachelors a rose.

Super Bi-otches: Maleficent From Sleeping Beauty vs. Cruella Devil From 101 Dalmatians

This is an epic battle of evil heavyweights! So keep your seatbelts fastened. (Because Cruella is a terrible driver.)

Cruell De Vil. She almost wins the battle with the name alone. 

But there’s far more to this sociopath than a badass moniker. This chick is so vain, so bent, and so fashion obsessed that she wants to kill puppies and make a coat out of them. Adorable, playful, furry (not if she has her way with them) little puppies! 

The depravity! Fortunately, cute, cuddly canine power wins the day. But not before she unleashes her animosity in a genuinely terrifying fit of road rage. She is evil incarnate on wheels!

But now we turn our eyes to Maleficent. Ahh, yes. She’s everything you expect from a classic villainess. She’s a powerful sorceress, she has a throaty voice, and she wears horns on her head. Also, she can hold a grudge for all eternity. 

Just because she didn’t get invited to a party, she decides to put a princess to sleep. Forever! Later she turns into a dragon and almost burns an entire kingdom to the ground. 

Ahh, she’s a classic, all right. 

But who deserves the title of biggest bi-otch of them all? The witch who likes to torture royalty or the puppy killer?

I take my (not horned) hat off to your powers, Maleficent. But I’m a huge dog lover. Cruella De Vil takes the match!

Bad Kitties: Scar From The Lion King vs. Shere Khan From The Jungle Book

These feline fatales are two of the most vicious and disturbing characters to ever show up in a Disney Film. But who’s the most beastly?

First, there’s Shere Khan. Calculating, calm and well-spoken, he is nevertheless chilling. You kind of have to admire his combination of charm and quietly seething rage. Yes, he’s one cool cat. 

Not so cool? His unbending determination to stalk an innocent child through the jungle and eat him. I know that man killed his entire family, but come on! 

Mowgli is just a kid! Creepy.

Also not to be messed with is Scar from the Lion King. He starts the movie by killing the noble King Mufasa. His brother! Yes, Scar left a lot of kids with emotional scars with that one. 

But his designs on the throne can’t come to fruition until he gets his nephew Simba out of the way. Done and done! He then takes over the kingdom of Pride Rock, inflicting terror and cruelty on all its inhabitants. 

This family is dysfunction at Shakespearean levels. 

So who wins the title of biggest, baddest kitty of them all? 

Wait a minute; there’s a late entry into this contest. The felines Si and Am from Lady and the Tramp just entered the ring. Singing “I am Siamese if you please” no less! They’re breaking out the big guns with a song that promotes cultural stereotypes. Catchy but insidious!

I’m afraid these evil twins win the day paws down. Sorry, Shere Khan and Scar. Now take your psychosis and go home with your tails between your legs!

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Posted 
Dec 2, 2019
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