Jeans that lift your butt, spanks that flatten your tummy, colors that make you look taller. There are tons of ways to camouflage your body flaws. But what about those annoying parts of your personality you don’t want people to see?
Here’s how to present a whole new you to the world with a change of clothes.
Personality Flaw: The Big Lazy
Stick to bold patterns, my unambitious friends. Stripes, paisley, polka dots. They’ll give the illusion that you’re in motion even if you’re just sitting there for hours on end. Animal prints are especially good. Put a cheetah striped shirt on and suddenly you’re no longer just a lump on a couch.
You’re caged heat ready to pounce!
Personality Flaw: Anger Management
Pastels. Baby blue and light pink are the best colors for you, pissed off fashionistas. These calming colors won’t fix your underlying dysfunction, but they may help give you a vague sense of peace and serenity. Still, want to kill someone over a parking space?
Try a smiley face, unicorn or rainbow t-shirt. You’ll still scream, but no one will be able to take you seriously.
Personality Flaw: Dull as Toast
I’m sorry boring people, but you’re going to have to invest the most money in your wardrobe. For you, it’s pure couture. Throw out those khakis and white t-shirts that emphasize your lack of personality. And put on the most outrageous thing you can find on a runway. Anything with thigh-high boots or that looks like they killed a thousand ostriches to make it is good. From now on, it doesn’t matter if you have nothing to say. Your outfit will say it all.
Personality Flaw: Two-faced Bi-otch
Share your best friends’ secrets? Like to stab office mates in the back? Your only smile is a fake smile?
Punk is the best solution for you.
The leather, the spikes, the big scary mohawk. People won’t want to sit next to you, let alone share their most intimate secrets with you. And if they do, it will be their fault. Because when you’re a bitch that announces yourself with authority, they can’t say they didn’t see you coming.
Personality Flaw: Freaking Crazy
Unpredictable? Unreliable? Is your life an emotional roller coaster? Dress like an artist. This one is genius because it’s like hiding in plain sight. It doesn’t matter if you’ve ever painted a picture or written a song.
Guys, throw on a paint-speckled t-shirt, some ripped jeans, and a Euro scarf. Girls put on a hand-embroidered ethnic blouse and a big flouncy skirt. Wear some army boots and a leather jacket with it if you want.
Artists have carte blanche when it comes to bad behavior and crazy fashion choices because they’re, well, artists. So grab a beret, get out there and go wild. Remember, you’re not drunk or bi-polar. You’re creative!
Personality Flaw: Superficial, Hypocritical Jerk
Whoa, you’re going to need a big fix. Grab your wooden beads and some white flowy pants, assholes. Because you need to dress like a Yogi. Put on something with a buddha on it and you’ll automatically look like your deeper than you actually are. Prayer beads around the neck are also a must.
Don’t worry, you’ll never have to use them.
Footwear should be strictly vegan. Remember, you’re trying to appear kind and compassionate. A yoga mat, lots of bracelets and a nose ring are also must-have accessories. When you’re finished, nobody will know you for who you actually are.