What Your Drink Order Says About You [According to Bartenders]

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Who doesn’t love a night out on the town with their friends? The drinks, the laughter. The whole see and be seen vibe.

But it’s not just the crowd that’s checking you out. According to bartenders, they can tell a lot from your drink order. Sure, it may be stereotyping from our friends behind the bar, but these guys have seen it all. So maybe there’s something to it?

We’ve done a little investigating and put together a general consensus on various drinks of choice.

Here’s what your go-to order says about you:

Long Island Iced Tea: “I want to blot out my short term memory. Stat!”

There are only three reasons why anyone would order this drink.

1: You’ve had a rough day and need to get blotto as quickly as possible.
2: You’re a college student. (Expect to be carded soon.)
3: You’re low on cash and need one drink that will do the work of three.

No matter which scenario applies to you, you are probably a crappy tipper. Please try to be better than the Long Island Iced Tea.

Margarita: “I want to party but need to be in bed by 11pm.”

According to bartenders, this is the drink of older gals looking to party. Nothing wrong with that. The margarita will get you into the fiesta mood fast. Just don’t lose your handbag in the process.

And good for you for still getting out there!

Rum and Coke: “I’m a member of Phi Beta something or other.”

You’re a frat boy. Don’t worry, you’ll grow out of it. Hopefully.

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Vodka Red Bull “I’ll Be Eating Breakfast at McDonalds.”

You are a committed partier. For you, it’s not a real night out unless you see the sun come up. In your case, the drink is much less important than the crazy shit you’ll get up to while you’re drinking it.

Enjoy your Egg McMuffin.

Appletini: “I desperately need a night off from the kids.”

Work, soccer practice, cleaning skid marks from your family’s laundry. For you, a fun night out means you want a fun drink. Even if it’s not hip anymore. Cheers to you for escaping the domestic doldrums.

Tequila: “I want to do things I won’t remember.”

It’s called loco juice for a reason. Obviously, you’re looking to connect with your wild and crazy side. Here’s to hoping you don’t wake up in a ditch or married to someone you met on the Vegas strip. Vaya con dios!

Vodka and Soda: “I want to get drunk without ruining my diet.”

This is not a sophisticated drink. But you don’t care. You’re looking to get as drunk as possible on as few calories as possible. I hope you have someone to hold your hair while you’re throwing up.

Strawberry Daiquiri: “I don’t like alcohol.”

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You’re going out to a bar with friends, but you’re not really a drinker. Why not order the smoothie of drinks?

It’s either that or you’re 80.

Or possibly on a beach vacation. In that case, cheers to you for pacing yourself.

Domestic Beer: “Adventure stops here.”

No fancy craft brews for you. Why waste your money when a good ol’ American beer will do? Besides, you’re not looking to impress anyone. Congratulations for having the confidence to do the absolutely expected and feel good about it.

Mezcal: “I’m so much better than tequila.”

There’s a 95% chance that you are hipster and need to be on-trend even when you’re drinking. Either that or you’ve been to Mexico and this drink reminds you of some illicit escapade that you got mixed up in while south of the border.

Either way, you have an adventurous spirit.

Boilermaker: “I just put down my hammer.”

A beer with a shot of whiskey, according to bartenders, is a favorite of manual laborers. If a Boilermaker is your drink of choice, you’re probably manly and unpretentious.

You also probably showed up to the bar in a flannel shirt and work boots. That’s cool. At least you won’t have to worry when some lush steps on your toes.

Mojito: “I’d rather be on a beach vacation. Oh, and I’m clueless.”

You had one in the Caribbean, and now they’re your fav. So refreshing. But a word to the wise: bartenders hate making them. All that fussing around with mint and sugar, especially when the bar is busy.

Most likely, your mojito will be mediocre and served with a splash of disdain. Maybe save this one for Cuban restaurants or your next trip to Havana.

Expensive Shots: “I’m a moron with money to burn.”

You may think you impress the bartender while ordering your pricey shot, but as anyone with a lick of sense knows, it’s a waste of money. Shots are meant to go down fast, so why throw your (obviously disposable) cash away?

Better to save it for maintenance on your yacht.

Negroni: “I’ve got flair.”

According to our unofficial investigation, bartenders consider this to be a very respectable drink. Gin with a touch of bitterness makes this classic cocktail slightly more complex.

It says you’re not afraid to drink off the beaten path. Congratulations on ordering the drink less swilled.

Red Wine: “I like a slow kind of drunk.”

No fast and hard buzz for you, you’re chill and like your drink with a side of good conversation. And you’re probably not looking to stay until closing time. But that’s okay. You know how to enjoy the moment.

White Wine: “I don’t like red wine.”

Try as you might, you just can’t make yourself like red wine. And you don’t know what else to order. Upside: it’s lower in calories and won’t stain your teeth.

And you’ll look fab in your Instagram photo. #NightWithTheGals

Whoooo!

Absinthe: “I love Oscar Wilde.”

Either you’re a time traveler from another century, or you’re a bookish kind of drinker. If Ernest Hemingway, James Joyce and Lord Byron drank it, absinthe must be for geniuses.

Not that you’re pretentious. According to you.

Gin Martini “I’m either a total pro or a complete novice.”

Either you can really handle your alcohol, or you don’t know any better and decided to go for something classic.

In the first case, enjoy your martini veteran drinker.

In the second case, you’ll probably think it tastes like crap. But just for a minute, you’ll feel like a member of the rat pack. Be sure to swirl it around. That’s definitely the best part.

Whiskey: “Damn right I can handle it.”

There are a variety of whiskey drinker stereotypes to draw from here.

A true sophisticate that can really handle their drink.

The Don Draper wannabes.

Men wearing kilts.

Old politicians who run the country with a cigar in one hand and a whiskey in the other.

The young, hipster dude or dudette.

Either way, according to bartenders, this is one of the most respectable drinks. Guess you can’t go wrong with whiskey.

Just be sure you have a designated driver. Or a chauffeur.

Closing Time

Well, that’s the low down on your drink order, friends.  Maybe not as detailed as astrology, but definitely more fun. Cheers to you, and be sure to designate a driver no matter what your drink of choice is.

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