In recent years, the privileged (and socially unconscious) old guard has been questioned, criticized and generally shaken up. And while the status quo isn’t going to evaporate overnight, there are a band of activists bent on exposing their questionable practices in hopes for social justice and worldwide cultural reform.
And the Grinch who formerly stole Christmas (as he likes to be called) claims to be one of them. What follows is an in-depth interview with him on a controversial subject: Santa Claus. According to the Grinch, Jolly Old St. Nick isn’t all he’s cracked up to be.
His long list of accusations against Santa includes oppression of elves and animals, tax evasion and blatant male chauvinism.
Chattersource recently sat down with the Grinch to talk about this hot button subject. Here’s what he had to say.
CS: First of all, Mr. Grinch, I have to mention that many people may doubt the veracity of your statements considering you formerly stole Christmas.
I used to hate Christmas.
That fact is no joke.
But I swear since my heart grew, I’m thoroughly woke.
CS: Ok, assuming your accusations are intended to expose and inform and not to take down Christmas again, what exactly is your beef with Santa?
He lives in the North Pole in a place you can’t find
Because he’s running a sweatshop
Of the very worst kind!
CS: So you’re accusing Santa of unfair labor practices?
The elves slave and they slave never taking a break.
Santa has them bamboozled that lowdown snake.
The workshop’s a dungeon, a moldy old cage.
Why they work 18 hours for less than minimum wage.
There’s no heat and no windows and the worst part of all,
Is that an excuse for a bathroom that’s just a horse stall!
CS: I thought elves were magical creatures. Can they be forced to work like that?
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Santa has a red suit, and he acts all jolly
But if you mess with his sweatshop, he’ll pull the arms off your dolly
With his magical powers, he keeps the elves spellbound
And if one dares to protest, he releases his hellhound!
CS: These are serious accusations, Mr.Grinch.
And meanwhile, Santa, that canny old leech.
Works one night a year
And spends the rest on the beach.
He’s golfing, or surfing or sailing his yacht.
Do you think that’s fair?
Well, I say it’s not!
CS: Hmmm, that would explain all those photos of Santa in Bermuda shorts.
Well, my dear, I’m afraid the oppression doesn’t stop there.
He also has eight flying reindeer in his snare!
Every Christmas Eve, they lug Santa’s great weight.
And the rest of the year, he pimps them out to pull freight.
Lumber, steel girders, even nuclear waste
And with the whip on their back, they must always make haste!
CS: So why don’t they just fly away if they’re so unhappy?
They’re thoroughly brainwashed with a chip in their brain.
Santa’s manipulation is completely insane.
There’s literally no end to his sick reindeer games.
And just like Jason Bourne, they don’t know their real names!
CS: I would never have suspected Santa Claus of animal abuse. But let’s get back to the question of the presents. Santa’s operation is, for all intents and purposes, a non-profit. Why would he oppress and manipulate magical creatures to deliver free toys?
Santa seems pro-Christmas, but that’s just a trick.
Because he hides the meaning of Christmas that crafty St. Nick
Instead of spreading love, he just hands out toys
Creating future consumers out of good girls and boys.
The corporate fats cats they like that, so they slip him some doh
In an offshore account, he named Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho.
CS: Wait a minute. Are you trying to tell me that Santa is the frontman for an operation that’s stoking worldwide consumerism to the benefit of big business? If you’re going to make an accusation that big, how about revealing your sources?
Well, her last name starts with C
She doesn’t have a first name.
But to the privileged old wanker it’s all the same
By this name or that name her worth he weighs
By her cooking and cleaning and how silent she stays.
CS: So you’re saying Mrs. Santa Claus is your source? Mrs. Santa Claus? Wow, you’re right; I don’t know her first name.
That little tidbit I can’t confirm or deny
But trust me, this story is not a big lie.
CS: Suppose you’re right, and Mrs. Claus eventually comes forward herself. What can we do about it? Call the IRS? Interpol? Sick Peta on Santa?
No, that won’t be necessary, my dear.
For Santa Claus, the end is ever so near.
I’m melting the ice caps to stop his business
So one day we’ll all see the true meaning of Christmas.
CS: First of all, that didn’t quite rhyme. And secondly, that isn’t activism! If there’s anything truth to this story, you plan to steal Christmas via environmental terrorism! I thought you were woke!
I admit the first time I stole Christmas was because of all the noise, noise, noise, noise.
But this time, I’m doing it to oust the old boys.
And Santa is one of them, that roast beast eating fatty.
So I’m destroying his workshop to save the elves and his caddy.
When the earth has recovered, we’ll all sing out loud
Like the Whos down in Whoville who still make me proud.
So though melting the ice caps may seem like a crime
It’s all good in the hood cause there’s a reason to my rhyme.
CS: Ok, do you have anything to add before I end this interview and call the FBI?
Yes, I have just the rap on tap:
I’m an old grinchy gangster
And I’m here to proclaim
That when it comes to being naughty
This Santa Cat has got game.
He makes you think that happiness comes wrapped from a store
But he’s just a corporate puppet, some might even say whore.
He’s got an island in the Cayman’s and big bank account.
He smokes Cubans in his limo and all his homies got clout.
He keeps his elves in a dungeon and his hos on the side.
And an opinion from his wifey he simply will not abide.
He’s an oppressor, a jester and a reindeer molester.
And if you think that this rap is just a conspiracy theory,
Then I’ve got some heavy knowledge I can drop on you deary,
Christmas comes without ribbons. It comes without tags.
It can come without packages, boxes or bags.
And if you don’t believe me I feel sorry for you
Cause, bitch, you been suckered just like Cindy Lou Who!
CS: Wow. You’re a mean one, Mr.Grinch.
At the time of publication of this article, Mr. Grinch was being held in a facility for the criminally insane. Obviously, this throws a questionable light on his incendiary statements. Mr. and Mrs. Claus could not be reached for comment.
But they’re pretty busy this time of year!
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